Ambiguous loss

Ambiguous loss has no resolution or closure. 

Having to live with such uncertainty embodies a kind of suffering.

To ease the suffering, a multi-disciplinary stress-based approach is essential.

The goal is a search for meaning.

The Psychological Family

We are reminded, however, that one’s family and community may not always be

helpful and empowering. Some family members may be judgmental and shaming;

others may stay away because they feel helpless in the face of unclear loss. Still

others may be part of families and communities where strict social traditions and

mores are barriers to coping, especially for women and girls. Without positive support

from family members, the person suffering ambiguous loss needs what I have

called a psychological family :a chosen family of empathic and

supportive peers.

Dialectical Thinking

With ambiguous loss and its lack of facts, meaning will not emerge from absolute

thinking. Rather, it comes from being able to hold two opposing ideas at the same

time.

Six Guidelines for Living with Ambiguous Loss

The following guidelines are useful both in family meetings and psychotherapy settings.

The guidelines are not linear; they can be used in any order.

Finding Meaning

Adjusting Mastery

 To balance living with the unmanageability of ambiguous loss, we encourage the suffering to find something in their lives that they can control.

Reconstructing Identity

Ambiguous loss is confusing, and family members no longer know who they are

supposed to be. When someone goes missing, they wonder about their roles and

status within the family and community. They ask,  “Who am I  now? What roles

do I play now?

Normalizing Ambivalence

Ambivalence, a term originated in 1911 by psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler, refers to

conflicted feelings and emotions (Boss 2006 : 144). But unlike psychiatric ambivalence,

the ambivalence from ambiguous loss is sociological (Merton and Barber

1963 ). It ruptures relationships and confuses people. As a result, the ambiguity

feeds the ambivalence about which action to follow, which decisions to make, what

roles to play, and how to feel about the missing person. If feelings are too horrific—

such as wishing the missing person dead, if only for closure—family members may

suffer traumatizing stress.

Ambivalence is an expected outcome of ambiguous loss. In the social sense, this

means recognizing that others feel the same way. 

Revising Attachment

When someone vanishes without a trace, others feel abandoned. Their attachment is

severed and now, painfully insecure. Re-connection is not possible, nor is grieving

and closure. The family is in a double bind. Anxiety heightens. Revising attachment

means using “both-and” thinking to break the immobilization. As we emphasize

that closure is not expected, people are relieved to know that they can hang on while

also moving forward. We repeat over and over again: There is no need for closure.

Finding New Hope

Paradoxically, telling family members that closure is not necessary helps them

focus on finding meaning and new hope. 

Summary

My goal within this chapter is to increase awareness of a unique kind of suffering—

ambiguous loss—so that social science researchers and practitioners are more able

to recognize this all too common phenomenon, name it, and ease human suffering.

What I see clinically and in the field is that the suffering of ambiguous loss can

deepen people’s humanity and, thus, their ability to have a good life. 

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss . New York:

Norton.